Vegan Apple Fritters- A sacrifice to Crom!

"Jason! What is best in life?"

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. And also, apple fritters."

Yes, even Crom would agree that apple fritters are indeed one of the best things in life, and they are quite delicious after a day of raping, pillaging and fighting James Earl Jones' giant snake.

But I seriously doubt that Conan, Crom or Thulsa Doom know a damn thing about making an apple fritter, much less a vegan apple fritter.

A few years ago, while vacationing in Las Vegas, The better half discovered a donut shop run by a Vietnamese couple. It's called Ronald's Donuts, and it is the place where dreams come true. No less than 80% of the donuts at this establishment are vegan. And they are so goddamn delicious they will make even the king of the Barbarians cry. Boston cremes, raspberry filled, donut holes, it's like heaven.

But, they make an apple fritter that has made me get emotional. And they weigh like a pound each. And it's vegan. 

When I say that this fritter is good, what I mean is "This fritter should have a fucking religion started in it's honor!"

So, ever since sampling (that should read "gorging myself into a sugar induced stupor") this fritter, I have been chasing the dragon when it comes to apple fritters. Nothing has ever come close. 7-11 fritters, a joke. Starbucks apple fritters? More like Crapple Fritters.

Then, I decided that the only way to tame this monkey on my back was to go to Ronald's and hold him at gunpoint until he gave me the recipe. Then i remembered that I am scared to go to prison, because I am a delicate flower and I have soft skin. So, the only other option was to make my own.

First, I had to find the right kind of recipe to start from. Many recipes were for those little, tiny beignet sized fritters. No my friends, I wanted a fritter that ate like a meal. I finally found one, and plagiarized it and adapted it to my own special needs (not "wearing a helmet" special needs). I think the original is on the King Arthur Flour website, so there jerks, you have been acknowledged, so don't come crying to me about recipe thievery. I kid, I am sure the people at King Arthur are really nice, why be mean when you are banking all that flour money (editor's note- King Arthur flour is made from ground unicorn horn, or at least it should be to justify the price).

I have a deep fryer here at the house, so that's what I used for these. Other options include filling a deep skillet with oil, heating a saucepan of oil. The saucepan of oil has a high degree of "Sweet fucking lord, I dumped 375 degree oil all over myself" difficulty. So I recommend a deep skillet. No, I recommend a deep fryer, they kick ass and I have fried a multitude of items in mine.

So, hear it is:

Yield: about 12 fritters, give or take. Depends on the magnitude of your spooning.

Ingredients:

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and diced into 1/4" pieces
3 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
11/2 Tablespoon Baking powder
11/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/3 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 1/4 c cranberry juice (original recipe called for apple cider, but I forgot to buy apple cider, because I am a moron. cranberry juice worked well)
3 eggs worth of egg replacer3 Tablespoons Earth Balance, melted

Oil for frying

Glaze:
2 cups confectioner's sugar
1/4 cup apple cider
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Directions:

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the cranberry juice, egg replacer, and butter.

Toss apple pieces into the dry ingredients, then stir in the wet ingredients until incorporated.

Heat oil in a deep skillet or sauce pan to 325˚ F, use a candy thermometer to get the temp, unless you live on the Planet Mercury, then just use your outdoor thermometer. Or, if you had a deep fryer like I told you to get, set it to 325˚ F. 

To portion, I used two of those deep spoony type spatula scrapers. You want the batter to be kind of flat when you drop it into the oil, otherwise you'll get a fritter ball. This dough puffs up a lot while it cooks, so, you have been warned.

Fry until dark golden brown, 2-3 minutes, use some sort of kitchen utensil to flip the fritter in the oil, fry for 2-3 more minutes.

Remove from oil, and place on a cooling rack placed over a baking pan (this will prevent the fritter from sitting in any oil that drains off it or the skimmer/spoon used to remove it from the oil).

Let them cool for about 5-10 minutes before glazing. Deviation from this will result in the glaze simply pouring off the fritter, or soaking into the fritter and making it soggy. Also, you will have to fight a giant hammer-wielding Wilt Chamberlain.

Whisk together all the glaze ingredients until smooth. Top each fritter with a couple tablespoons of glaze, and allow the glaze to set for 10 minutes before serving.

The final step is to eat these fritters.